Someday Soon

I was driving home from class late at night last week and my thoughts were swarming around my priorities.  I began reflecting about how the things I love to do never seem to fit in to this busy momma lifestyle.  Suddenly I came to and noticed this song playing.  It got me to really thinking about how I've been putting off a lot of my passions since my son's birth... nearly nine years ago!!! That's a horrendous realization.  And then the questions started seeping in...  Am I really that much of a procrastinator?  Do I really have that much momma's guilt?  I always feel so selfish when I take time for myself.  Why is it that my hubbee doesn't and seems to fit working out, eating healthy, even Tae Kwon Do classes into his schedule?  I manage to contrive every single excuse to take care of my family's needs before I tend to my own.  That only leaves me the time after they go to bed, but then I'm either working on homework or too spent and choose to escape reality by watching meaningless "reality" TV.  What is going on?  Where does this thought process come from???  I've been trying to break this cycle for nine years for goodness sakes!  Well, I guess the cycle started over when we had our daughter and I got caught up in breastfeeding and all else that goes along with babyhood again.  Shouldn't I be able to incorporate self-care into my routine so that I'm a better mother to my children?  But, I just feel that there's never enough TIME in a day.  There I go with excuses again... they just sneak up on me and I accept them.  Befriend them.  Adopt them.  Rely on them.  I know better, I do.  I just can't seem to do better.  Why am I s-t-u-c-k?  Am I lazy?  Am I weak?  Am I tired?  Maybe.  Maybe I should just get over myself and suck it up and force myself to do the things I love.  I should rely on my hubbee more.  I mean, he relies on me, right?   Why can't I just release the reigns of control for a bit and take time for ME?  Obviously, I must.  I am nearing a breaking point after all with my endless ranting.  I'd prefer doing something about it before I force myself into a mental breakdown.  That won't be good for anyone!  So I understand that most of my tendencies are just bad habits that I've created over the years.  I've justified these negative actions by labeling them as necessary and treating them as addictions.  Every day in every way I neglect myself and this is the reason for my feeling of failure.  In order to realize success I must make small daily changes.  This article is really helpful by identifying how to implement daily changes.  Creating new healthier habits is really the only way that I can banish the old.  This is why I have foundered for so many years now.  My expectations of overnight achievement are unattainable, therefore I become discouraged and give up... without even trying.  Sounds ridiculous, but it's the truth.  So since I'm realizing that small changes everyday is what will procure zen habits then I'm going to set some new attainable priorities.  But before I overwhelm myself with a massive list of goals, I'm going to follow directions and just start with one change at a time.  Now... which change to tackle first?  I think it's going to be eating healthy.  I must set the foundation, right?  Okay, so my cupboards and fridge are already stocked with whole foods and vegan goodness.  That's not the problem.  I just find myself skipping meals and then find myself ravenous and reaching for something processed.  I almost always skip breakfast.  Don't want anything to get in the way of me and my love affair with coffee.  I've convinced myself that since I put soy milk in mine that's it a "meal".  But the sugar I add does me no service and it's got to go.  So, that being said, my first change will be...